Love the Second Time Around

The following excerpts are from a wedding ceremony I was honored to participate in for a lovely couple in Vermont in September 2014.

Marrying for a second time is testimony to hope (some say foolishness or insanity). Yet, it is the ones who say, “I do” again that possess the gift of faith in goodness and the ability to learn and grow. There is something rather humbling about marrying again, because that decision begs the myriad questions, “What happened last time? What went wrong? Where might I have gone off course? Did I sincerely try my very best? What have I learned? Did I learn to tamp down my ego (‘Down ego, down!’), not be too defensive and to really listen and truly hear? Did I learn how to be less possessive and more patient? How to cheer for my partner and to share the limelight? How to love more gracefully and graciously? Can I do better now?”

We approach remarriage with optimism and yet leading up to the nuptials there can’t help but be a voice whispering inside our ear asking us, “Are you sure about this? Is this time going to be any more successful than the past?”

People who marry in their earlier years are so often faced with unique, all-consuming responsibilities and roles that have to be managed. There could have been the extraordinary effort required to raise and educate children, or to pursue a fledgling career, or to earn that monthly mortgage. When we’re older, we hopefully don’t have to do that stuff anymore and we are freer to focus increasingly on our own needs and desires and those of our partner.

With second loves, being in different times and spaces in our lives, come fresh opportunities to imagine and navigate our world anew. The deck is dealt differently than before with the face cards looking different–more colorful, more full of perspective and mirth–and hopefully a lot wiser.

So often, people focus on the negatives of those relationships gone by. Yet, what can occur the second time around is two people having the benefit of all that was good before. Two souls have chosen to synergistically co-create something new and wonderful that is larger than the sum of their pasts. Each brings elements that beget exciting new chances to design an original and sturdy castle in which to reside and flourish.

I trust this couple understands that each of them has come to this juncture having lived a full life of their own and that probably neither mate will change all that much. I sense that this bride and groom have taken hard, honest looks with hearts and minds, regarding this decision to join their lives. As a twosome, I believe they have come to comprehend that each needs to pursue independent interests, perhaps from a time before they met. That is so fundamental, so essential, for these second time around affairs to thrive.

Dearests, God willing, I wish you the finest opportunity to generously love the one you’re with, the one you have been circumspect in choosing to be with from now on.

To conclude, I illuminate this theme of the second time around with a quote from Teilhard de Chardin–a French geologist, priest, philosopher and mystic (1881-1955): Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.

And with that fire, oh the places you two will go.

–With my deepest loving wishes, Rev. Lynn

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